Election Day’s Pathetic Reporters and Horrible Feelings

11-8-2016

Strange feelings, almost like a wave of depression wash over me today. Election day. Never before have I felt so hopeless and demoralized in my life. The phrase “Too Little, Too Late” appears in my head over and over, mocking me. Laughing in the face of my paranoid, anxious state. Clinton or Trump. These are the choices I have reluctantly realized will be our next president. Too Little Too Late. Between the uneducated hicks, the raging feminists, and those unfortunate few thousand stuck in the middle, one of these two will be the president. Suffer for four years. Have no choice. Looking at complete nuclear war. Obliterated buildings and radiation poisoning flash through my head. Or maybe not. It was Abraham Lincoln who said “America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.” I guess him and I have a few things in common after all. What would this look like? America has been the breeding ground for ignorant, arrogant, morons for a long time. We have been brought up to believe that we are above everyone else because we have freedom. We have the freedom to treat others like shit and we have the freedom to walk away from it, unscathed and laughing in the face of karma.

Getting off track. As I’m sitting here, watching this goddamn 24 hour coverage of this race, I’m wishing I was anywhere else, even being stomped behind some grocery store at 2 in the morning, but as a journalist, I feel I must cover this, no matter how much I don’t want to. I’m watching from swing state Michigan, and right now, my worst fears are coming true. Clinton and Trump are tied at around 50%, with Johnson trailing at about 5%. THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE! Sorry, this fucking lunatic reporter just gave a report that the majority African Americans who weren’t voting were doing so because they felt the economy wasn’t supporting them. What. The. Actual. Hell. So you’re just going to let one of these two meatballs take complete control?! That’s like saying “I don’t want a burglar to steal from me so I won’t do anything to stop him when he breaks into my house and takes my wife hostage.” Do something about it then, asshats! Anyway, Clinton seems to be slightly behind Trump. Ahh shit. These goddamn reporters just said this election could run to about 3am. I might have to give up this one, depending on how far along this is at 11. I have to wake up in the morning and to be honest, this shit is not worth it. Polling just closed here about 30 minutes ago, at 9pm. If I need to abandon this, I guess I’ll find out in the morning, no doubt on some rude awakening from the radio. I must remember to turn it off tonight.

These reporters are starting to get on my nerves. Another one of them just said this election has been much closer than anyone could predict. You seriously underestimate the intelligence of the public. The closeness of this race has been so obvious, a blind pig could see it. It’s pathetic watching these news stations try to fill all the extra time they have until the votes are in. I’m just sitting here trying to determine my reaction when I do find out who is the president. Will I become some kind of anger induced beast, or will I slouch back into my depressed state? And what will be the outcomes? Will we be heading for nuclear war? Or total economic collapse? Well, I can speculate all I want, but it’s completely in the air right now. Impossible to predict. Ha! They just said Michigan was the “linch pin”. How great. This guy just compared Trump to a Molotov cocktail, and I couldn’t agree more, except for the fact that he used this to take Clinton’s side. He says he knows Michiganders and that he knows we are being manipulated by Trump and that he won’t give us our jobs back. Now you’re just stating the obvious. But we are not being manipulated. Everyone here can see how bad these candidates are. That’s why we are having such a tough time coming up with a majority vote. We can’t decide which one’s worse, and I refuse to take a position on that.

What. The. Fuck These people think the race is so close in Michigan because of Trump’s catchphrase “Make America Great Again”. How stupid can people get? It’s not his goddamn catchphrase dipshits. Like I said, pathetic. It looks like Trump is pulling ahead, but this whole thing is still unpredictable. It also looks like Michigan is the upset state. The state no one predicted would be the so called “linch pin”. It’s now 42 minutes until I give this thing up. Another reporter’s ugly voice just said that only 42% of people trust the press because we feel we are being talked down to. Are you serious?! WE KNOW YOU ARE A BUNCH OF CORRUPT, BIASED SWINE! We know you are full of bullshit! Not that we feel hurt! Jesus! More pathetic speculation. Michigan, Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Colorado are the big states right now and will drag this out until far into the night, along with my anxiety. These elections are basically being run by labels. You know, labels like Republican, Democrat, Male, Female, White, Minority. These labels shouldn’t matter though. What should matter is if the candidate is a good candidate. One who can actually help America’s problems, big shocker. Isn’t that what George Washington wanted? Jesus would I like to see his face right now, after having all that he worked for dashed in a single election. NBC just projected that Hillary Clinton would win in Colorado. Wonder what Hunter would say about that, eh? Damn, I wish I would know. I can only guess, but it would just be more useless speculation.

Maybe that guy was right. This lady from Michigan just said she supported Trump because he says it how it is. Didn’t you read my other article? That is how he manipulated you. He knew that’s what you wanted so he catered to that want. Ahhh, but what does it matter anyway? Nope. Stop. That attitude is what got America into this mess in the first place. These news stations are running out of filler. They are taking more frequent breaks and starting to look at past presidential races. This is suspended in dead air and useless percentages until Michigan’s vote comes through as I am becoming increasingly bored. They’re even starting to repeat themselves, like goddamn parrots. Today has been a very stressful day, and will no doubt be followed by a stressful night’s sleep. Well, my time’s up. I feel nothing can be done for this godforsaken country. I’ll see you again in a new era.

-Davie Rooker

The Dunces of Washington DC

In keeping with the theme of this website, how could I avoid the elephant in the room? The 2016 presidential election. Oh boy. I have a sick feeling in my gut that this election is going to drive America into the ground. Maybe not now, but mark my words, the effects of this presidential term will stay with us until our country falls, and will probably help to further it. Both of the candidates are morons who are only in the race because their jackass parties want to keep what little voters they have and the press are all corrupt fiends. Believe me, neither of these scum-suckers would be candidates if the general American public wasn’t so ignorant.

Holy Jesus, let’s take a look at these psychos. The thing about Trump is that he cannot keep his mouth shut. He’s a spoiled little rich kid who never had to learn how to because he was raised up to believe he was better than everyone. If he would shut up and let Pence take over the campaign, he would easily win the election. Fortunately, he’s too stupid to understand this very basic concept. Apparently he’s so rich he has people to think for him and yet he still won’t take their advice. But then I suppose that’s also why the bastard has lasted this long. The American voters are sick of the constant corrupt politicians who keep running for office. Hell, I am too. He appears to be someone who will tell you exactly what he thinks of you as soon as he sees you, which appeals to the public interest because it’s not something a politician would do. A politician would greet you with a plastered on smile and tell you how ravishing the dead raccoon you are wearing on your head looks, or how beautifully the zit on your nose shines with the light. Trump seems like a brutally honest man. But don’t we realize that this is exactly what he wants us to think of him as? He’s manipulating the citizen’s view of himself, making him just another greed-sickened public figure looking for attention. However, instead of being a corrupt politician, he’s a corrupt businessman. Playing to the public’s eye is a key factor in any business, anywhere. Which is why we are constantly bombed by tacky advertisements for the latest game or newest clothes by any company you can think of. The similarities between a politician and a businessman make the two almost synonymous with each other, except for one very distinct factor, and that is what they’re selling. The businessman is selling a product and therefore doesn’t have to worry too much about his public image. A politician, on the other hand, is selling himself, so he must be meticulous in his every action, every speech, and every word. And perhaps that is part of the reason Trump hasn’t shut up. Maybe he started out as a big-mouthed businessman, oblivious to what he was doing but when he realized how much it helped him, he continued to make his statements more and more outrageous, keeping his name in the news and voters in his pocket. So when you go up to vote this upcoming election and you think about supporting him because you think he’s not the average candidate, just remember that he may not be a politician, but he is just as manipulative and corrupt as any government worker in office today.

And now, Clinton. I feel there is extreme confusion and misunderstanding for what exactly she did wrong. The word around the street is that she deleted thousands of emails containing classified documents and should be in jail for the rest of her miserable life. Well, I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but that’s not exactly true. From what I gather, she sent around 62,000 emails containing classified information from her personal account (which was not secure), some of which allegedly went to her daughter, who has no authorization or clearance to view the documents in question. And anyone who has used technology in the past five years know how easily your account can be hacked into. So the real problem with this is that, yes she may have purely made a mistake, but it was a mistake that put lives in danger and our nation at risk. Clinton, of course, denies this. The problem with this whole story is that it is extremely dodgy. There are so many biased and depraved journalists writing their version of the story that you have to dig very deep to find even the smallest truth about what really happened. But even in putting all that aside, she is still a horrible candidate for office. The fact that she even continues to play this juvenile game with Trump instead of just ignoring his “low-blow” insults shows how immature and small minded she is. She is also going for a “Vote for me because I’m a woman” approach to win votes, targeting a minority that she can “relate to” (if you can even call it that). Manipulating the public, like so many before her.

In short, neither of these candidates should be in office. Ever. I refuse to support either of them because they should never have their grubby hands on our beautiful country. But, of course, we have to vote for one of these two screwheads. Or so we have been told. The news stations all over the U.S. are only talking about these two candidates by constantly giving their poll estimates and their latest statements. By doing this, the media has indirectly convinced us that we are throwing away our vote by supporting anyone else. WE ARE NOT. Not if you get behind everyone else also voting for the third party candidate. You don’t have to have either of these two in office, so DON’T choose between the lesser of these two evils. That is not going to help us or our country and will most likely further the destruction of it. The option to vote a third party is completely open, and I suggest Gary Johnson. Not because I agree with him, or even because I like him, but because I want to do anything to keep the other two dingbats out of office and he is the guy running closest to them. So when you go to place your vote for the next leader of our nation, remember that you don’t have to choose between Mr. Jackass and Mrs. Twit.

-Davie Rooker

Jesters of the Lowest Form

As you’ve probably heard, there have been multiple sightings of people in clown costumes, chasing citizens and attempting to lure children into the woods. These lunatics, which probably range in the ages of 16-25, have been spotted in numerous states, including Iowa, South Carolina, Georgia, Virginia, Alabama, and even in my home state of Michigan. Frankly, if I were to come across one of these crazies and they started running toward me, I would take out a six-shot revolver and blow the bastard’s brains all over the pavement. Whatever the reason, my best guess is that it’s all some sort of new prank devised by teenagers looking for a new way to get spit in the face of our corrupt predecessors. The 60s had drug use, the 80s had sex and rock and roll, and now we are dressing up in joker costumes and scaring the bejesus out of health nuts taking a stroll along some obscure hiking trail at 6 in the morning.

Why though? At least in the 60s, students were fighting against the Vietnam War, promoting peace and counterculture, and in the 80s, were trying to rebel against a society that they felt was trying to control them. Sure, their ways of doing so might not have been the safest or best, but at least they were trying to get something done. But the only reason I can see for these so-called pranks is to prove the fact that younger generations are going to continue push the limits of stupidity farther than we’ve ever seen before. Honestly, if you dingbats think you will be able to continue this without running into the one man who has had a bad day and isn’t about to take your shit, then you will find yourselves coming second-best in a match with a 12-gauge shotgun. Do yourself a favor and go back to spray painting buildings, unless you want to lose your life to try out for “The Most Idiotic Ways to Die” section in the Guinness Book of World Records.

And to the readers, arm yourselves. I know you may be thinking “But guns are evil and cause more problems than they start”, but you will not be thinking this when one of these jackasses are beating on you with a 4×4 or a baseball bat. Oh sure, guns are bad, until you need one. But whatever. This article is about the clowns, not gun control. That’s a topic for another day. However, what we don’t realize as the general American public is that by bringing this to light, we are actually fueling the fire, inspiring more shitheads that this useless act is fun. Oh hell, maybe it is. I can’t say it isn’t because I haven’t tried it. But if we continue to keep this in the main headlines, you will have to beef up police protection in every city in the American Empire, because God knows there are more idiotic dumbasses out there than armed officers of the law. So let this fad or joke or whatever it is slink back into obscurity before it gains so much momentum we won’t be able to stop it. Back to nothing, exactly where it came from.

–Davie Rooker